Babys Got A Gun.

In light of reading one of my friends blogs, being partly stoned and watching mindless pap on tv, i have decided to write about 'moronic' adverts that are plaguing my viewing time.

Moonpig - The advert for personalised cards. What the fuck!! Who calls a card company 'moonpig' anyway? What reference does that have to birthday cards! The really annoying thing about it. The thing that whenever i hear it, makes me want to sharpen my axe and grab my 'boom stick' is the fucking theme tune. Written by deaf monkeys, for lobotomised chimps.

Halifax - If it wasnt bad enough that banks steal all our money and shaft us more times than a dutch prostitute, they decided the only way to entice more customers not to read the small print, is to have some balding twat that resembles an egg doing cover songs of shite tunes while dancing around like a berk. The only thing that could make it worse is if i came home one day to find a fat bird singing an aretha franklin song in the street, (MY bloody street as well!) Oh and for the tv channels to put the adverts on, every 5 fucking minutes.

L'oriel - No love, you are NOT FUCKING WORTH IT! Doesnt help Penelope Cruz looks like Seabiscuit, a la Family Guy Style.

Jamie Oliver in EVERY advert (and i do mean, every.) Has me grab for the nearest knife rack every time.

Polaris World - The advert for Spanish property. Is it just me, or is that guy really really creepy? Only 80 grand for a two bedroom shack? Really? Hang on, il get my cheque book.

Fairy Liquid adverts with Ainsley Harriot - Twat!

Land of Leather - Where chavs go to buy their three piece suite. Thats actually a bit hasty, its not the product im disgusted with, its the general feeling of the advert. I need a bucket to watch it in all honesty. Its so p.c (token black guy, single young professional, families.) To make matters worse, they show happy, smiley families bouncing around together. You know the type, perfect mum, dad and 85 healthy non deformed children. C'mon, life isnt like that. I want to see the 'new and improved' advert where you see Dad sucker punch the children for being in a half mile radius with sticky hands and muddy feet.

Mc.Donalds - Still they try to make a cow's lips, eyelids and hooves squished together in a patty, look delicious. Mmmmm, now with one shred of 2 day old, browning lettuce and half a bottle of mayonnaise....mmmm. The healthy range? Erm...excuse me, but who do you think your kidding? I wasnt born yesterday sonny jim boy oh. Just because you got sued by a clued up, money grabbing american fatty doesnt mean we are now going to believe your absolving and repenting of your heart attack sins. P.S That fucking Justin Timberlake song...there is only a certain amount of times before i become brainwashed into killing every time i hear that song. Either that, or cluck like a demented chicken.

Car Insurence companies - Non specific/generic ones will do. Im not fussy about which one we point the finger at as their all just as bad. 'Searching for cheaper car insurence?' 'No, fuck off, i like paying over the odds.' Its not enough they are repeated more times than ive had hot meals but they treat you like complete idiots. More so than most adverts/time wasters. Insisting on 'jazzing' it up with stick figures pulling out their hair and middle aged men that in all honesty should get a real job, dressed in an oversized elephant suit. 'Sheela's wheels????!!!' If i was going to renew my car insurence i wouldnt do it with some ditzy ozzy blondes driving a tasteful pink car, singing a song while not watching the road.....which leads me to.....

Accident Claims - Sorry, you fell off a one legged ladder while balancing on a greenhouse and wondered why you broke through, landed in your missus conservatory and cut your thumb? The advert is filled with stupid idiots that shouldnt be paid for idiotic mistakes. Things like 'Well i was driving at 90 miles an hour down a 20 mile an hour, pedestrianised (speed humped) walk way, outside the pop-in centre and suddenly this old woman came out of nowhere and bounced over my bonnet. I then lost control and flew through the windscreen as i wasnt wearing my seat belt. I then sued the council for improper use of a speed sign, the lamp post being in the way, the car company for not saying in the manual that i HAD to wear a belt and then sued the old lady for comming out at the wrong moment. I got £20 and injuries for you took £19.' Brrriliant!

I SAY BRING BACK THE MALTESER ADVERT WITH THE NAKED BLOKE.