With fury in my heart and a murderous rage in my veins,
I will find you.
Shock and despair (i know you are out there,)
Send me a letter written in your blood.
Float it in a bottle in the sea and i will die for it.
I should have loved you and i know i said so,
But my lies confused my head and i shall be Judus no more.
Can you hear that rythem in flow (with what i know?)
My love, you are blind and i was dying.
The beating wings are a hurricane i have seen,
I will pray for your safe return, but i wont be here anymore.
Trapped i escaped free (and now i am blinded but can see,)
A vengeful fate will always haunt you.
Thursday, 30 August 2007
Babys Got A Gun.
In light of reading one of my friends blogs, being partly stoned and watching mindless pap on tv, i have decided to write about 'moronic' adverts that are plaguing my viewing time.
Moonpig - The advert for personalised cards. What the fuck!! Who calls a card company 'moonpig' anyway? What reference does that have to birthday cards! The really annoying thing about it. The thing that whenever i hear it, makes me want to sharpen my axe and grab my 'boom stick' is the fucking theme tune. Written by deaf monkeys, for lobotomised chimps.
Halifax - If it wasnt bad enough that banks steal all our money and shaft us more times than a dutch prostitute, they decided the only way to entice more customers not to read the small print, is to have some balding twat that resembles an egg doing cover songs of shite tunes while dancing around like a berk. The only thing that could make it worse is if i came home one day to find a fat bird singing an aretha franklin song in the street, (MY bloody street as well!) Oh and for the tv channels to put the adverts on, every 5 fucking minutes.
L'oriel - No love, you are NOT FUCKING WORTH IT! Doesnt help Penelope Cruz looks like Seabiscuit, a la Family Guy Style.
Jamie Oliver in EVERY advert (and i do mean, every.) Has me grab for the nearest knife rack every time.
Polaris World - The advert for Spanish property. Is it just me, or is that guy really really creepy? Only 80 grand for a two bedroom shack? Really? Hang on, il get my cheque book.
Fairy Liquid adverts with Ainsley Harriot - Twat!
Land of Leather - Where chavs go to buy their three piece suite. Thats actually a bit hasty, its not the product im disgusted with, its the general feeling of the advert. I need a bucket to watch it in all honesty. Its so p.c (token black guy, single young professional, families.) To make matters worse, they show happy, smiley families bouncing around together. You know the type, perfect mum, dad and 85 healthy non deformed children. C'mon, life isnt like that. I want to see the 'new and improved' advert where you see Dad sucker punch the children for being in a half mile radius with sticky hands and muddy feet.
Mc.Donalds - Still they try to make a cow's lips, eyelids and hooves squished together in a patty, look delicious. Mmmmm, now with one shred of 2 day old, browning lettuce and half a bottle of mayonnaise....mmmm. The healthy range? Erm...excuse me, but who do you think your kidding? I wasnt born yesterday sonny jim boy oh. Just because you got sued by a clued up, money grabbing american fatty doesnt mean we are now going to believe your absolving and repenting of your heart attack sins. P.S That fucking Justin Timberlake song...there is only a certain amount of times before i become brainwashed into killing every time i hear that song. Either that, or cluck like a demented chicken.
Car Insurence companies - Non specific/generic ones will do. Im not fussy about which one we point the finger at as their all just as bad. 'Searching for cheaper car insurence?' 'No, fuck off, i like paying over the odds.' Its not enough they are repeated more times than ive had hot meals but they treat you like complete idiots. More so than most adverts/time wasters. Insisting on 'jazzing' it up with stick figures pulling out their hair and middle aged men that in all honesty should get a real job, dressed in an oversized elephant suit. 'Sheela's wheels????!!!' If i was going to renew my car insurence i wouldnt do it with some ditzy ozzy blondes driving a tasteful pink car, singing a song while not watching the road.....which leads me to.....
Accident Claims - Sorry, you fell off a one legged ladder while balancing on a greenhouse and wondered why you broke through, landed in your missus conservatory and cut your thumb? The advert is filled with stupid idiots that shouldnt be paid for idiotic mistakes. Things like 'Well i was driving at 90 miles an hour down a 20 mile an hour, pedestrianised (speed humped) walk way, outside the pop-in centre and suddenly this old woman came out of nowhere and bounced over my bonnet. I then lost control and flew through the windscreen as i wasnt wearing my seat belt. I then sued the council for improper use of a speed sign, the lamp post being in the way, the car company for not saying in the manual that i HAD to wear a belt and then sued the old lady for comming out at the wrong moment. I got £20 and injuries for you took £19.' Brrriliant!
I SAY BRING BACK THE MALTESER ADVERT WITH THE NAKED BLOKE.
Moonpig - The advert for personalised cards. What the fuck!! Who calls a card company 'moonpig' anyway? What reference does that have to birthday cards! The really annoying thing about it. The thing that whenever i hear it, makes me want to sharpen my axe and grab my 'boom stick' is the fucking theme tune. Written by deaf monkeys, for lobotomised chimps.
Halifax - If it wasnt bad enough that banks steal all our money and shaft us more times than a dutch prostitute, they decided the only way to entice more customers not to read the small print, is to have some balding twat that resembles an egg doing cover songs of shite tunes while dancing around like a berk. The only thing that could make it worse is if i came home one day to find a fat bird singing an aretha franklin song in the street, (MY bloody street as well!) Oh and for the tv channels to put the adverts on, every 5 fucking minutes.
L'oriel - No love, you are NOT FUCKING WORTH IT! Doesnt help Penelope Cruz looks like Seabiscuit, a la Family Guy Style.
Jamie Oliver in EVERY advert (and i do mean, every.) Has me grab for the nearest knife rack every time.
Polaris World - The advert for Spanish property. Is it just me, or is that guy really really creepy? Only 80 grand for a two bedroom shack? Really? Hang on, il get my cheque book.
Fairy Liquid adverts with Ainsley Harriot - Twat!
Land of Leather - Where chavs go to buy their three piece suite. Thats actually a bit hasty, its not the product im disgusted with, its the general feeling of the advert. I need a bucket to watch it in all honesty. Its so p.c (token black guy, single young professional, families.) To make matters worse, they show happy, smiley families bouncing around together. You know the type, perfect mum, dad and 85 healthy non deformed children. C'mon, life isnt like that. I want to see the 'new and improved' advert where you see Dad sucker punch the children for being in a half mile radius with sticky hands and muddy feet.
Mc.Donalds - Still they try to make a cow's lips, eyelids and hooves squished together in a patty, look delicious. Mmmmm, now with one shred of 2 day old, browning lettuce and half a bottle of mayonnaise....mmmm. The healthy range? Erm...excuse me, but who do you think your kidding? I wasnt born yesterday sonny jim boy oh. Just because you got sued by a clued up, money grabbing american fatty doesnt mean we are now going to believe your absolving and repenting of your heart attack sins. P.S That fucking Justin Timberlake song...there is only a certain amount of times before i become brainwashed into killing every time i hear that song. Either that, or cluck like a demented chicken.
Car Insurence companies - Non specific/generic ones will do. Im not fussy about which one we point the finger at as their all just as bad. 'Searching for cheaper car insurence?' 'No, fuck off, i like paying over the odds.' Its not enough they are repeated more times than ive had hot meals but they treat you like complete idiots. More so than most adverts/time wasters. Insisting on 'jazzing' it up with stick figures pulling out their hair and middle aged men that in all honesty should get a real job, dressed in an oversized elephant suit. 'Sheela's wheels????!!!' If i was going to renew my car insurence i wouldnt do it with some ditzy ozzy blondes driving a tasteful pink car, singing a song while not watching the road.....which leads me to.....
Accident Claims - Sorry, you fell off a one legged ladder while balancing on a greenhouse and wondered why you broke through, landed in your missus conservatory and cut your thumb? The advert is filled with stupid idiots that shouldnt be paid for idiotic mistakes. Things like 'Well i was driving at 90 miles an hour down a 20 mile an hour, pedestrianised (speed humped) walk way, outside the pop-in centre and suddenly this old woman came out of nowhere and bounced over my bonnet. I then lost control and flew through the windscreen as i wasnt wearing my seat belt. I then sued the council for improper use of a speed sign, the lamp post being in the way, the car company for not saying in the manual that i HAD to wear a belt and then sued the old lady for comming out at the wrong moment. I got £20 and injuries for you took £19.' Brrriliant!
I SAY BRING BACK THE MALTESER ADVERT WITH THE NAKED BLOKE.
The Human skin.
Self image is everything. As much as it makes the person claiming this sound shallow, it unfortunatly seems to be the truth in our society. I am not one to admit to giving into the perils of our infintile culture, but the pressure is enormous. The pressure to be amazing is everywhere. The troubling thing is that it is not necessary to be an amazing person with a personality filled with substance and interest, no, our surroundings want us to be increadible physically.
Those that fail to meet the Kate Moss standard of the outward appearence seem to fall at the first hurdle. But if you ask me, why anyone would want to look like a stick insect junkie is beyond me...but you get my drift.
I am fat. (I can almost hear the gasps of people ready to say 'no no but your not at all,' and the pure shock on people's faces to dare to say such a thing and genuinly mean it. Ergh there is no point in beating around the bush. I know what i am and i am not one to lie as people hide too many things any way.)
There is no sympathy required in that statement and no marterdom intended, but i am aware of what i am and it saddens me. Those that fail to truely understand what i mean, because it requires compassion, will often say that being 'physically challenged' is not a problem and that i shouldnt worry so much about what others think. It also will coincide with the idea that if i cared that deeply about my physical appearence then all it takes is a little motivation to tone up. This is true, but it doesnt help to someone filled with self loathing and hatred developed from an age much younger than teen years.
I have beautiful friends. Friends that have no trouble finding men that flock to them. These friends are of course 'skinny minnies' and not as plump as me. I guess, yes, that is jelousy on my behalf. Childish and pathetic because they will constantly reassure me im beautiful too, but the problem is believing it myself. I look at them on nights out and i feel enraged with myself for envying them for being able to wear skirts and backless tops. Any way, the feeling of myself is never a good one on nights out. I avoid nightclubs because they are cattle markets where women parade about in teeny clothes and hooker heels while the men drool like labotomised chimps at them. Desperatly trying to ply them with any drink they possibly can in the hopes that they can get their leg over.
What i see in the mirror is a totally different story to how i should think. I am a good person. I have many good qualities but when i stand and look at myself i actually hear my inner monologue say: "Nice personality, shit exterior."
I dont need people to tell me i am fat and unattractive, (although people seem to revel in such delights because they themselves are inadiquate,) but i do know this. Even today while my mum was appling fake tan to my pasty white back...in an effort to make me feel better about myself i have resorted to the tango image... my mother decided to out of the blue say to me 'If you lost weight you'd have a beautiful shaped back.'
Yes shes probably right, but was that necessary from a woman that i already have a terrible relationship with. Was it a snide dig? One of her many that im now used to, even though not any more immune to. Or was it a terribly phrased compliment? Either way, the point was i still feel shit about my weight enough to react by sitting on my bed feeling slightly worse about myself.
I then proceeded to do 150 sit ups and numerous weights in my bedroom. Pathetic arent i!
Yes i am lazy, yes i do have 'curvy' genes that i swear Levi's dont advertise, but something inside of me prevents me from actually becomming proactive and getting slim...er.
Only the other month my dad asked me if i had an eating dissorder. By that he didnt mean am i projectile vomiting food from me every time i ate, but instead he was asking if i ate because i was emotionally troubled. Good old father for passing on his psychologist theories to me. Yes the simple fact is i do have an eating problem. I eat when im bored or depressed, but i mainly stuff myself because of the troubles ive had with men.
Lets just say, like everyone else who's ever encountered the opposite sex, i have had awful luck. One was abusive, the other i dumped for no real reason other than he didnt want to leave our home town, one i have been in love with for years has misstreated me and hurt me more times than i want to remember, and the other was sleeping with his ex gf while he was living with me.
In my crazy little skull i subconciously think that if i stay fat and men run off with other women and dont like me, then i can put it down to me being fat and unattractive, instead of me having a terrible personality. Its my fucked up way of rationalising whats happened to me over the years. All be it a little narsassistic as well because if i did have an awful personality, how could you ever correct that?? At least with an awful exterior, i would always be able to change that if so pushed.
There, so i have written down a little bit of crazy that my mind goes through every day. Inconsequential and very messy with a hint of, like i said before, narcassism. If anyone will ever read this and it wasnt written for you, but for myself. I cant keep regular diaries because my nosey mother always finds them. Years of hide and seek with alcohol has made her a pro at rummaging through things to find what she wants. But anyway, if anyone does/is reading this, im well aware that this is not life altering stuff and that this is not one of those blogs written down purely for sympathy. People's fake sympathy makes me sick. Its quite revolting to see when not from the heart. I also quite like the idea that other girls especially read this, and feel the same way but are too afraid to admit to it.
Those that fail to meet the Kate Moss standard of the outward appearence seem to fall at the first hurdle. But if you ask me, why anyone would want to look like a stick insect junkie is beyond me...but you get my drift.
I am fat. (I can almost hear the gasps of people ready to say 'no no but your not at all,' and the pure shock on people's faces to dare to say such a thing and genuinly mean it. Ergh there is no point in beating around the bush. I know what i am and i am not one to lie as people hide too many things any way.)
There is no sympathy required in that statement and no marterdom intended, but i am aware of what i am and it saddens me. Those that fail to truely understand what i mean, because it requires compassion, will often say that being 'physically challenged' is not a problem and that i shouldnt worry so much about what others think. It also will coincide with the idea that if i cared that deeply about my physical appearence then all it takes is a little motivation to tone up. This is true, but it doesnt help to someone filled with self loathing and hatred developed from an age much younger than teen years.
I have beautiful friends. Friends that have no trouble finding men that flock to them. These friends are of course 'skinny minnies' and not as plump as me. I guess, yes, that is jelousy on my behalf. Childish and pathetic because they will constantly reassure me im beautiful too, but the problem is believing it myself. I look at them on nights out and i feel enraged with myself for envying them for being able to wear skirts and backless tops. Any way, the feeling of myself is never a good one on nights out. I avoid nightclubs because they are cattle markets where women parade about in teeny clothes and hooker heels while the men drool like labotomised chimps at them. Desperatly trying to ply them with any drink they possibly can in the hopes that they can get their leg over.
What i see in the mirror is a totally different story to how i should think. I am a good person. I have many good qualities but when i stand and look at myself i actually hear my inner monologue say: "Nice personality, shit exterior."
I dont need people to tell me i am fat and unattractive, (although people seem to revel in such delights because they themselves are inadiquate,) but i do know this. Even today while my mum was appling fake tan to my pasty white back...in an effort to make me feel better about myself i have resorted to the tango image... my mother decided to out of the blue say to me 'If you lost weight you'd have a beautiful shaped back.'
Yes shes probably right, but was that necessary from a woman that i already have a terrible relationship with. Was it a snide dig? One of her many that im now used to, even though not any more immune to. Or was it a terribly phrased compliment? Either way, the point was i still feel shit about my weight enough to react by sitting on my bed feeling slightly worse about myself.
I then proceeded to do 150 sit ups and numerous weights in my bedroom. Pathetic arent i!
Yes i am lazy, yes i do have 'curvy' genes that i swear Levi's dont advertise, but something inside of me prevents me from actually becomming proactive and getting slim...er.
Only the other month my dad asked me if i had an eating dissorder. By that he didnt mean am i projectile vomiting food from me every time i ate, but instead he was asking if i ate because i was emotionally troubled. Good old father for passing on his psychologist theories to me. Yes the simple fact is i do have an eating problem. I eat when im bored or depressed, but i mainly stuff myself because of the troubles ive had with men.
Lets just say, like everyone else who's ever encountered the opposite sex, i have had awful luck. One was abusive, the other i dumped for no real reason other than he didnt want to leave our home town, one i have been in love with for years has misstreated me and hurt me more times than i want to remember, and the other was sleeping with his ex gf while he was living with me.
In my crazy little skull i subconciously think that if i stay fat and men run off with other women and dont like me, then i can put it down to me being fat and unattractive, instead of me having a terrible personality. Its my fucked up way of rationalising whats happened to me over the years. All be it a little narsassistic as well because if i did have an awful personality, how could you ever correct that?? At least with an awful exterior, i would always be able to change that if so pushed.
There, so i have written down a little bit of crazy that my mind goes through every day. Inconsequential and very messy with a hint of, like i said before, narcassism. If anyone will ever read this and it wasnt written for you, but for myself. I cant keep regular diaries because my nosey mother always finds them. Years of hide and seek with alcohol has made her a pro at rummaging through things to find what she wants. But anyway, if anyone does/is reading this, im well aware that this is not life altering stuff and that this is not one of those blogs written down purely for sympathy. People's fake sympathy makes me sick. Its quite revolting to see when not from the heart. I also quite like the idea that other girls especially read this, and feel the same way but are too afraid to admit to it.
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